Hellraiser Films: V-IX (2000-11)

Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)

Dir. Scott Derrickson

The first instalment in the straight-to-video continuation of the Hellraiser franchise raises a few questions. The most pertinent being why is this even a Hellraiser movie? Having Pinhead in your story for about three minutes in total doesn't make it a Hellraiser story. Putting him on the cover doesn't make it a Hellraiser movie. The same as how my wearing a Batman tee-shirt doesn't swell my bank balance and make me a target for shallow, gold-digging whores.

In truth, it feels like the beginnings of a TV Series; standalone stories that just happen to feature Lemarchand's box and a brief appearance or two from the lead Cenobite. A quick google after viewing confirmed suspicions: it was an existing horror script that had the nailed-one's role subsequently added.

Okay, we've been lied to before by the industry, and when you get right down to it most movies are nothing but an entertaining lie, it's the reason we watch them, so, more importantly, is it a good lie? The honest answer is it could be worse.

Craig Sheffer plays Joseph Thorne, a corrupt Denver police detective and all-round git. Sheffer, as some of you will already know, also played Aaron Boone in the superior Nightbreed (1990) film. (An extra implied Clive Barker connection. Well done, chaps.) When he isn't looking like a less broody version of Angel from the TV Series of the same name, Thorne does his very best to hit every hard-boiled cliché in his search for a missing child who we've never actually seen.

What I assume are supposed to be new Cenobites are more like something you'd find in Silent Hill, appearing infrequently like in Jacob's Ladder (1990). (Silent Ladder? Jacob's Hill?) They're creepy in their own way but aren't what we've come to expect from a Hellraiser film.

The most significant drop in the quality, however, is the music. When you don't notice it that means it's working. But the problem is that all too often you will notice it, and it's bad.

I mentioned earlier that Pinhead appears briefly. He does, but the writer either didn't understand the Cenobite's traditional role or he decided to expand upon it, making Pinhead less of a deliverer of sadistic pleasures/tortures and more of an instrument of moral justice. It kind of works and it kind of doesn't. It's not what most people will want, but I can see why it went that route.

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)

Dir. Rick Bota

Hellseeker brings back a cast member from the very first film. The person plays a crucial role in the story, but for most of the running time we're forced to follow the post-tragedy experiences of a new character named Trevor Gooden (Dean Winters).

Trevor's a suspect in a missing persons case. His memory of the event is unreliable and his world is crumbling around him. He's unable to determine if his life is reality or fiction at any given time, and as viewers neither are we.

Almost everyone Trevor meets after the accident seems to be the personification of some kind of self-questioning rationale, or a conduit for administering self-advice or guilt. If I hadn't already played my Jacob's Ladder card while reviewing the previous film, then I'd have hammered it on the table now.

The narrative structure and the film's editing and sound reinforce the sense of confusion at every turn. It keeps us constantly aware that things aren't quite what they seem, even when they seem to be mind-fucky wrong. A connection between the puzzling disappearance of the missing person and the machinations of the Cenobites is suggested, but that too might be nothing more than a distortion of the truth.

The actual truth, when it comes, will satisfy anyone who isn't already familiar with the kind of film that Hellseeker is. If, on the other hand, you're a fan of mind-bending stories, then it's likely you'll have seen a similar kind of thing more than once before. It's made Hellraiser-specific, so there's still some fun to be had if you're a fan of the franchise.

Hellraiser: Deader (2005)

Dir. Rick Bota

The series has had quite a few female protagonists over the years. Deader adds another one: plucky journalist Amy Klein (played by Kari Wuhrer, an actress who was no stranger to the horror genre).

Amy flies to Bucharest on the trail of a story about death and resurrection. She doesn't mess around when it comes to her job. She'll step into a lion's den just as quickly as she would into a sweet shop. It's a horror movie, so there are no sweet shops.

It's another existing script that was Hellraiser'd. It has the same director as the previous film, so I figured that even if it was a bad story it would at least be watchable. It was both of those things.

Amy's investigative drive stays, but the story slows to a crawl after an enjoyable and occasionally tense 30 minutes. By 50 minutes I felt like giving up, and considered going to scrape the ice off my freezer (it needs it), but I stuck it out. Even though it didn't recover the momentum that lit up the beginning, there were one or two stand-out scenes to make me not regret my decision too much. It's not a film I would ever want to re-watch, but nor do I feel that it's the worst the series has to offer.

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

Dir. Rick Bota

'Evil Goes Online' claims the tagline. In the words of the lead Cenobite himself, Jesus wept!

The series hits rock bottom with the second film to appear in one year, actually striving to appeal to the lowest common denominator: teen-horror fans.

Just like in every teen-horror the numerous asshole cast members get killed off in different ways, but only after at least one of them has sex at a party with someone they've only just met. I feel like I've seen it all before. I'm damn sure I've turned it off about a hundred times before.

Oh, hello bland metal music. I was wondering when you'd arrive. It was inevitable, after all.

Lance Henriksen? What are you doing? You're better than that. Aren't you? Lance...?

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Dir. Víctor García

There are two positive things I can say about film number nine: it's better than film number eight and it's only 75 minutes long, some of which are end credits. Everything else in Revelations is bad.

The writers inflict hell upon the viewers by incorporating the medium of found-footage into the teen-horror. End my suffering, please.

You'd expect the camerawork during the found-footage scenes to be atrocious, but it's equally bad during the normal scenes. Why? Did they use the same one-armed, sight-impaired chimp for both?

The excuse that it's not up to standard because it was shot in just three weeks seems like a fair one until you realise that John Carpenter's Halloween (1978) was filmed in twenty days! Excuse invalidated. It's bad because the script is bad, the acting is bad, the editing is bad, and the only reason it was green-lit was to enable the studio to retain the rights to the character and name.

Speaking of which, recasting Pinhead was unforgivable. If Doug Bradley refuses to be in your shitty film, then your shitty film should have no Pinhead, period. Concentrate instead on a different Cenobite, or create a new one and imply it's a tie-in to the main series. I'm done.

If you missed it, Hellraiser Films: I-IV (1987-96) is HERE.